


How to Serve Steak and Scotch.  A Guide.  By Ron Swanson

by Missy



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Character Study, Comfort Food, Food, Gen, Humor, Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 02:15:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11393265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: What it says on the tin!





	How to Serve Steak and Scotch.  A Guide.  By Ron Swanson

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Haywire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywire/gifts).



> Written as a fandom stocking treat!!

The perfect steak involves properly cooked and aged beef.

Not the kind of aging that happens when someone (Andy) left a steak out on the counter by mistake for a couple of hours and managed to turn it moldy. Not the kind of aging that happens when someone (Tom) has let the steak age in the back of his freezer for an entire year because he’s spent so much time eating out and perfecting his restaurant that he doesn’t have time to cook for himself. No, fine wood aging, the kind only patience and delicacy can bring to meat.

The steak should be cooked over a low flame. If it’s well done it’s not steak, it’s garbage and you should start over. You need to produce a quality of rareness that’s properly tender. The center should be red or pink. Not grey, not brown, pink. If it’s grey, send it back. If it’s brown, send it back.

A good steak requires very little accompaniment – a potato, baked well, with some butter; if you’re feeling especially generous. French fries with steak is a waste of a good potato; macaroni and cheese is too fancy and distracts from the main course . Vegetables are not side dishes. They do not count. You want quality above everything, and quality is what you should concentrate on. Frying should not be done unless you’re particularly desperate, and then it should be cooked in a copper frying pan. Meat and desperation should not collide (if you laughed at that statement, then you’re not mature enough to stand behind a grill).

Scotch does not need water. It barely needs ice – one cube or less. The distiller didn’t spend years perfecting a formula just to have you dilute it. If it burns too much then this isn’t your beverage. The weak need not apply. 

The meal should be served in a comfortable setting, with a comfortable chair and a comfortable table. Companionship isn’t necessary but it’s desirable. Conversation should not be ridiculous but should be entertaining. If you can’t manage any of those things, you don’t deserve the privilege of fine meat on your plate. But I know you’re smart, and that you realize good food’s the right every American citizen was born to. Go at it, and be confident in the fact that you’ve created a masterpiece you can be truly proud of. Go forth boldly, and live in flavorful happiness.


End file.
